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Archive for the ‘rants’ Category

You Know Your A Nerd When…

Posted by Jason on November 9, 2008

* Going to bed early is 1:59 am

* You have to move your Coke cans out of the way to get out of your “office”

* You can’t wait for the next copy of “Wired” to come out

* You haven’t met any of your friends “in person”

* Your family and friends always come to you for their computer help

* You know Linux isn’t Snoopy’s friend

* When your wife calls you to see if you want to go out for dinner and you reply that you’ll have to check your BlackBerry and get back to her

* You list Klingon as your second language on your census form

* Your signature includes an @ sign

* You can recite pi past 3.14

* You’re constantly correcting people about the difference between hard and floppy disks

* One of your kids is named: Egon, Riker, Anikin or Neo

* You can watch your favourite TV show on your way to work on a portable device you own

* You’ve uttered the word “n00b” in anger and with no one around

* Sleep always loses out to a fatal system error

* ipconfig /renew is still resident in the F3 buffer on your keyboard

* You know what the F3 buffer on your keyboard is

* If checking your email requires you to log into 4 or more websites

* You wake up with an earache and a broken Bluetooth earpiece between your pillows

* The combined output of the LEDs glowing under your desk exceeds 3 LUX

* You know how much electricity it costs to run your home server per second

* Your monthly ISP bill has a section for bandwidth overcharges every month

* You can post a blog entry while sitting on the bus

* A wipe and reload seems like a fun idea!

* Your friends only invite you to a barbeque when their computer is stuck

* Your computer is worth more that your wife’s engagement ring

* You can’t do without at least two computers at home

* When your girlfriend feels you are cheating on her with your computer

* When you want to finish your World of Warcraft dungeon raid instead of going to bed with your wife

* You read hardware catalogues to relax

* Everyone immediately turns to you when their computer acts up

* You spend more time with your computer than with your best bud

* You go shopping for something for your computer

* Your main concern when on vacation is whether 3G is available

* A mouse is a human created utility, not an organic form of life

* Relaxation = Sitting on a couch trying out beta software

* One of your greatest forms of joy is to see your newly built PC boot into your favourite OS

* You take an ordinary can of air and turn it into a musical instrument

* “Flashing your RAM” is not an obscene gesture

* You get BlackBerry thumb

* You’ve memorized BIOS beep codes

* Someone mentions root, you don’t think of a plant

* You can code in more languages than you speak

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5 Ways To Surf Like a Complete Moron

Posted by Jason on October 8, 2008

I just can’t take it any more. I don’t understand how people actually use their computers like this, but they do. Just take a look at Kaspersky’s figures for August 2008. I look after a lot of computers for friends and family, and a dozen machines at work – and none are infected. Then again, all of them are well-protected and used responsibly.

Now, it’s not my intent that anyone actually follow this horrible, horrible advice. It’s just that so many people seem to think this type of behavior is perfectly normal computer use.

So here it is: my 5-point method for turning your computer into a quivering pile of malware-infested, hacker-friendly trash.

1. Don’t bother updating your software. Things like Java, Flash, and your web browser are constantly updating. How annoying is that? If your Flash games play, and the little Java thing is always near your system clock, it’s probably working just fine. Security holes in your outdated internet apps let the information move through faster.

2. Believe everything you see. If a pop up window tells you that Windows has found spyware on your computer or that you have 324 errors in your registry, you’d better click on it. That’s not the kind of thing you want to take a chance on. I mean, the registry is where stuff…registers. And spyware removal software that advertises Shamwow style must be trustworthy, right?

3. You need more free smilies and screensavers. Everyone loves smilies, especially the friends that “msg u bak n 4th @ myspace”. And screensavers? Shut up. I love having fancy animated crap displayed on my monitor when I’m nowhere near it – that’s how everyone walking past knows what a cool guy I am. None of the websites giving this stuff away want to piggyback any nasty BHOs or other malware anyways.

4. Use your main email address and the same password everywhere you register for an account. Why make things confusing? No one will ever figure out your password hint based on details from your Facebook page anyhow. Hackers have better things to do than try and get into someone’s dumb old Yahoo Mail account. Except for that guy that did it to Sarah Palin, I guess.

5. Everything on Limewire is a real video or song. Dude, it’s totally possible to cram Iron Man into a 72mb download, or squeeze Free Bird into a 540kb mp3. It’s called compression. Duh. As if someone could just rename a bogus file the same thing as a movie and hide a trojan inside it.

In closing, I’d like to offer my apologies to the monkey. He’s probably a damn sight smarter than tens of thousands of people surfing the Internet at this very moment.

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